Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Randomize
