apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
