but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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