Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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