I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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