Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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