The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
