i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
