yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
