I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
