I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You made out with two different species that night
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
