my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
