Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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