Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Randomize
