someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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