Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
