so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Drake has all the answers
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize