so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
