Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
