I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
