the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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