im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
