i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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