I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
