I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
