Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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