she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
