I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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