Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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