Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
