She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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