Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize