Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
