You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
