Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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