I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize