Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
