Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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