I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
