tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
