You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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