So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
