The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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