Will you blow on my dice?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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