my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
