dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
