I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
