You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
