On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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