R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
