roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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