i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
