It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
