In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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