The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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