Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
